OK…totally judging April 27, 2009

So, you’ve heard me say this before and I’m sure I’ll say it again. I judge others less now. Parenthood is humbling. After having DD1, I found myself much less judgmental of other parents, in particular. Then we had DD2 and I found myself judging even less. I was suddenly that person using TV and bribery to survive a day.  I’m the gal who leaves TicTacs on top of the toilet – at the ready to bribe DD1 after she uses the facilities. Look, we all just need to get through the day. My strong opinions and convictions have really watered down.

But fear not kittens – not in all areas. It seems that in some departments, I am way more judgemental because I have much less tolerance for freaking idiots. And in this case, I am talking about idiotic women. Moms in particular.

There is a lot of talk out there about how a moms’ relationship with food  and her body plays a serious role in how her daughter views food and her body. But let’s talk instead about the relationship between mom and dad – and how that might impact the daughter and son. What brings this topic on, kitty? You ask.

Let me tell you. Because I’ve been irritated for two days now.

On Saturday, DD1 and I participated in a fund raising walk for a good cause. I wasted my breath telling DD1 how we were raising money for people with owees to help them get better. What she really cared about was wearing that super cool number across her chest. Ahh…the little things in life.

So fast forward to the walk. I was talking with one mom who I know and another I didn’t know.  We were discussing, pretty generically, the difficulties in finding time to workout. The friend and I were both saying that the only time we can get to the gym is super early in the morning. The stranger-to-me- mom started rapid firing questions to my friend:

“who watches the boys when you are at the gym”

“umm…my husband, but usually at least the older one is still asleep”

“well what happens when one wakes up – do you have your nanny come early for gym days?”

Camera pans to KT….at this point, my eyes are getting all squinty and I am shaking my head slowly in horror at this woman, wondering if it’s possible for this conversation to derail even further.

But oh yes kittens…it only gets worse.

So friend responds that usually just the baby will get up and well…her husband just gives him a bottle.

She is being remarkably non-judgmental and easy going in her responses, I am thinking in disgust. I am ready to spit venom at this disgrace of a woman.

And this other woman keeps pushing it – “Your husband can just stay home with the two kids and watch them by himself? No nanny?”

Ok – at this point, this pathetic woman is incredulous at this notion..so I wait for her to say something like “my hideous slob of a husband is totally incompetent and it’s unacceptable”

Or something to demonstrate that she realizes just how disgusting it is that she buys into this crap that she can’t leave her husband alone with two children, one of whom is probably sleeping, for ONE HOUR.

But no kittens – she seemed to find it more bizarre that me and my friend leave the children alone with the husbands.

What is happening in this world that this conversation even happened? Among seemingly normal and educated and smart women. WTF is what I kept thinking.

It was at that point that we bailed out on the walk and headed over to another festival. I couldn’t tolerate one more conversation along these lines and it was hot as hell.

Naturally I went home in a rant and dove into it with DH. His response “Man, what the hell have I done wrong?”

Ha ha. But seriously – why are there women out there who somehow tolerate and accept this notion that their husbands cannot and should not be left alone with their children? What kind of message does this send to our kids? And what kind of pathetically low levels of self-respect do these women have? And then there’s this – what do they think is going to happen if, god forbid, something happened to them. If they can’t leave their kids alone with their father for one hour at 6 in the morning, what’s going to happen if the worst happens? Have they considered how they are only hurting their kids more by perpetuating this bullshit?

I don’t really blame this ineptitude on the dads. Clearly these men are lazy as hell and totally full of themselves and the importance of their time if they believe they can’t be left alone with their children. But I blame the women for perpetuating it. For believing that only they know how to take care of their children, their husbands are incapable or can’t be trusted.

What I wonder is this – why did they have children with these men? And not just one – why have more than one?

Why, in this day and age, are women still perpetuating this absurd idea that only the mother can tend to the children. I am outraged, annoyed and judge the hell out of these women.

Muffin Top – Friend or Foe? April 22, 2009

It’s possible that I just don’t remember, but I feel like the left-over pregnancy weight is bothering me more this time than the first go round. Who knows, maybe the first time I just figured it’s part of what happens and I’d lose it all in time. Maybe I loved my muffin top back then. Or again, maybe I just don’t remember.

But it’s really bothering me this time. Me and my MT really aren’t getting alone so well. I’ve actually lost  much of her quicker this time – more discipline and more hectic life – but these last almost 10 pounds are driving me nuts. And I feel like all I see around me are women who have recently had babies and yet it doesn’t look like they’ve ever had an extra pound on them. How is this possible? How do people return to their pre-pregnancy bodies within 8 weeks of delivery? Do they starve themselves? Can they possibly be hitting the gym for hours at a time? Or is it just me that has the problem? Does my MT just love me more?

What puzzles me most is exactly why this is bothering me so much this time when I knew what to expect?  I really don’t know.  It’s not like the MT isn’t an old friend. Or Enemy. Let’s agree that we are frenemies.

It could be as simple as I want to just wear all my old clothes without a belly hanging over – it really might not be any more complicated than that – and I generally just have less patience now.  Or maybe I’m just pissed off that people can seemingly lose all that weight because they have better metabolisms – that could easily chap a tired person’s ass.

Setting all that aside, maybe I should learn to love my MT…..she’s a tribute to the two fantastic kiddos I’ve brought into this world….or maybe we can all discuss the horrible things that pregnancy and delivery do to our bodies. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not likely to wax poetic about the beauty of life and pregnancy…..it’s much more colorful to discuss leaking pee, stretch marks and horrible droopy boobs, now isn’t it?

My OB, a mother of two herself, warned me that losing the remaining weight would just be harder the second time around. Medically, she couldn’t say why, she just knew from experience. Of course, my mom pointed out multiple times that once the balloon stretches, well, it sorta doesn’t go back. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking to parade around in a string bikini, like f’ing Heidi Klum will be able to do after she births yet another child…..I guess I can just see the merit to the post-babies mom surgery that everyone talks about.

I know I’m not alone in wanting the mom surgery. But seeing as how that ain’t gonna happen, I’ll just keep plucking away at the old MT….and try to appreciate her for what she  is until she’s gone. If she ever leaves me. Me and my trusted MT.

Misanthrope Stay-At-Home Mom April 20, 2009

OK – so I’ve completed two full weeks as a SAHM. And guess what? I’m a total misanthrope.

This hit me the other day as I rounded the corner to the park, spotted a playdate going on around lunch time, filled with toddlers and moms – playing and having a picnic.

Sure, it looked real nice.

Let me tell you, I wanted no part in it. Am I alone in this people? I swear, I am pretty sure I got past “Hi, my name is ” after the first week of my freshman year of college. I really have no interest in it. Should this bother me, I wondered? I mean – I am a social gal. I love to gab, I love to gossip, I generally don’t like being alone.

But I’ll be damned if I’m going to seek out some kind of playgroup and start introducing myself to people. I think this might be weird on my end. But see- I don’t care.

I figure – if I know you and like you already – then super, let’s hang out. If I don’t know you – then I really don’t have any more room in my brain for any new people. I’d rather go read online about celeb gossip or think about what I’ll eat for dinner.

I think this is also why I hate Facebook and refuse to join. F that. If you don’t already have my email – then forget it – I don’t want you to find me. There’s a reason we don’t talk anymore. If I already talk to you on email, why do I also need to talk to you on Facebook? Can I start a “facebook is for teens” movement? Will you join me?

Is it possible to be an extroverted, outgoing, misanthrope? Because if there’s a category for that person in the Myers Briggs – then that is totally MOI.

Playdates be damned.

Deep Thoughts on Kids April 17, 2009

Ok – so now that I’m almost five months into having two kids – I am close to conceding that having two is actually double the work. I would like to formally submit my complaint against spring break or school really ever ending. Yes, I know teachers deserve a break – but so do us parents – and school is how we get it! I have never been happier to pull up into the school parking lot as I was this week. That being said, after almost five months of 14 hour days with barely a break in the day, I am pretty tired. I am not complaining, I love love love having two kids and cannot imagine a day without them. (well, I can, but you know what i mean).

Through all of this though, my one real observation is about temperament. I really truly believe you have a really hard go the first time and are traumatized – so the second one is a breeze, or you have it pretty easy the first time and secretly think everyone else is making it up, and then your second comes around and you are blindsided. I also believe and know there are those unlucky ones out there who have it really rough both times (read: colic) and if there is someone out there who has an easy baby sleeping through the night more than once and really don’t suffer through endless tantrums in the 2s and 3s, then keep that to yourselves because the rest of us hate you and might pillage your house.

I mean – the number of people who want to discuss this theory with me – fascinates me. Even our construction guys love dishing on this with me – instead of working on my basement – and it’s fun to gab with them. Our guy downstairs right now falls in the camp of easy first one, blindsided by the second. Avid KT fans know where I fall – blindsided the first time and easy street this second time. So far. I really think the hard work doesn’t actually start until they are 2 anyway.

My conclusion is this – I am happy to have been through the ringer and back over and over and over again with DD1 since she was born because well – it was such a shock to the system that I didn’t realize life could be any other way. I feel like parents who have the easier baby first time are so blindsided and so shocked when the second comes out more challenging. I don’t know if they thought the rest of us were making all the drama up – or maybe you just know what you know – and then suddenly what you know dumps a bucket of cold water on you – and it sucks – who knows – but we all get it. No one comes away unscathed.

So now where does this leave a third? Considering how simple life has been with DD2, for us, I have found myself considering a third on several occasions. But here’s the deal – I can’t get a guarantee that the third will come out this easy. So – maybe I should just quit while I’m ahead.

Anger in Bunnyland April 15, 2009

Seriously, who leaves a place called “Bunnyland” super pissed off, I wondered to myself on Monday as we headed back to the car.

As we headed into week two of spring break (umm….I am not on board with breaks from school, FYI), me and the girls packed into the car for another trip to a farm…on yet another cold and almost rainy spring day (umm…where the f is spring this year?). This time we were headed to “Bunnyland” – hog heaven for three year olds…..open fields with bunnies, spring chicks, lambs, moonbounces, big slides, an easter egg hunt, hay rides. Seriously – what could be stressful about that trip?

And this time I loaded DD2 into the Bjorn, instead of the stroller, figuring though my back would be crying “Mercy”, it still would be easier than the stroller because DD1 wouldn’t need a ride on this trip. I hadn’t considered how difficult it is to get shoes back on a wriggly squirmy three year old after a trip in the Moonbounce, with a 15 pound baby strapped to my chest, when making this executive decision.

I also never considered lazy as hell mothers and obnoxious pre-teens when venturing out to Bunnyland.

And so began my journey to the point of rage in this otherwise innocent, spring-time outing. So let’s get to it. Will I become one of these worthless parents, I wondered, after more time at home?

Why do parents bring their children to public places to then not pay attention to them? Why was I helping some 2-year old down the slide while her mom talked on her cell phone, not paying attention? I could have swiped the kid. Get off your f’ing phone, I wanted to shout to her.  I’ve got my own kids to pay attention to.

And then there was the tricycles. Umm…get your f’ing kid off the tricycle when there is a line of other toddlers waiting patiently (which in itself is shocking) and your kid has ridden around and around and around for 15 minutes. Saying outloud each time he passes “ok johnny, this is your last time, we need to share” – doesn’t actually get him off the bike. And guess what, we all know it’s easier to let them keep riding because then you stand there and gossip with your friend instead of dealing with the inevitable tantrum – but I don’t give a shit. Get your kid off the tricycle. We eventually had to abandon the tricycles without riding as I said very loudly “It’s nice that you waited in line for SO LONG while the other kids didn’t SHARE” as I glared at the lazy as hell moms and continued to the fateful egg hunt. Next time, I’ll handle it much less passive aggressively, trust me.

Ahh…the egg hunt…where I ripped into some aggressive 12 year old pre-teen who pummeled my kid to rip an egg out of her hands.

“DO NOT trample toddlers for eggs. Where are your manners. Go find another egg and leave the little kids alone.”

I shouted to her – in a fit of rage in bunnyland.

Why was I playing offense and defense in bunnyland? What the hell? What was sweet and innocent about this trip?

Fortunately, DD1 had a great time in Bunnyland and was pretty oblivious to all the other chaos happening around her. Meanwhile, I could feel my blood pressure rising. I swear, having two kids has made me even less judgmental of other parents because now I am barely faking it until I make it – but lazy parents who stand around and aren’t courteous to other kids and don’t even pay attention to their own brats really PISS me off. If I reach the point of so zoned out in mommyland that I become this way, well then, that’s the first sign that it’s time for me to go back to work.

Day Three April 8, 2009

Greetings from Desperate  Housewife-Land……

In case you were curious, it definitely doesn’t feel real yet that I’m unemployed – I’m not sure when the reality will sink in…but so far, it just feels like – well – life is better when you don’t have to commute!

Many of you thought I would cry on my last day…..mais non kittens – not a tear was shed as I left my celebratory cake sending-off party and headed out the door. One BFF asked if I felt like lighting a match and shouting “burn in hell!” on my way out – but I really didn’t feel angry or aggressive towards my employer or colleagues – so I didn’t do that. Though I totally know why this BFF feels that way. This same person also said that when she emptied out her office, she felt like she was getting rid of a disease – and I would have to agree with that. I was shedding my bubonic plague as I pitched 5.5 years worth of stuff from my office. That part really did feel great.

Beyond that – things are going well. I would be lying through my teeth if I said I don’t miss our nanny and how she kept our house clean and tidy – but whatever.

I made some rookie mistakes on my first outing alone with the two girls on Monday….of course my first week home has to be spring break – right? So we have to get out and do lots of things…and of course it has to be freezing and cold. Anyhow – seems like in mommy-hood, things like fairs and festivals take cash – not debit cards – and I’m the gal who never has cold hard cash on me – so note to self – start stealing from husband’s wallet at night.

Also – i had forgotten how when driving long distances with a baby, one must have a few easily accessible passies. See – now that I mentioned that, you forgot that bit too, didn’t you? uh huh. And as it turns out, toddlers are really quite helpful when driving up a highway with a baby screaming her head off- except the part where their little gumby arms can’t quite reach the passie either.

My dad finds it amusing to ask me how the teachers in my “women’s crap studies classes” would feel knowing that I’ve left my job to become June Cleaver….he thinks this is so funny. Truthfully, I don’t know and I don’t care, but seeing as how I’m already busy with freelance work from my job – I don’t really feel like my brain is clogged with only thoughts on feeding schedules, toddler poop and preschool art projects – though I have trouble getting the “Toot &  Puddle” theme song out of my  head. But let’s be honest, even as a working mom, my brain was mainly clogged with thoughts on what my next meal would be, where I would shop next online and what the latest celeb gossip might be…….

So with that, I will keep you posted on life in the motherhood…….

Miss Manners, is that you? April 2, 2009

Maybe I didn’t notice sooner because I’m just emerging from the fog that is the beginning months with a newborn (god love it when the clock strikes 16 plus weeks with a baby), maybe it’s that I’ve just been wrapped up in working and figuring out how to focus on two kids instead of  just one after a long day, maybe I’m starting to catch up on my sleep, or maybe it really has just happened, but something hit me like a ton of bricks last night.

DD1 is suddenly CIVILIZED.

Now – let’s not get carried away – of course she still cries and argues about dumb shit. But then again, so do I.

But I mean – as an example – all of a sudden I can put her coat on and none of the following scenarios happen:

1. Kicking, screaming, refusal to put her coat on

2. Insistence that daddy put her coat on, then no, mommy put the coat on, then no, not going to put the coat on (all the while throwing a fit)

3. Negotiation that she does not need to wear a coat but in fact, she just needs a sweater

4. Running in horror the other way, covering her face, as if her eyes are burning for the hideous sight of that ugliest coat on the face of the planet.

5. Or my favorite of all – all of the above scenarios happening one after the other resulting in me questioning my sanity, why I had one child let alone two, and do I really need to be going out to whatever the destiation may be – is it really worth the effort.

Suddenly, I can just tell her it’s time to put her coat on and sometimes, she even just does it herself.  All of a sudden, I don’t have to think ahead and quickly hide the other coats that – should they catch her eye – might spur on a huge fit or negotiation that she must wear – even if they aren’t weather appropriate.

This example of the coat can extend into anything else you can thing of, any banal part of your day that you might otherwise take for granted if you don’t have a 2 or 3 year old living in your house- none of these things are banal or unmentionable when you are 2, and in our case, for the first four months of 3 – every step of the way is an ordeal, a form of torture, warranting a fit or a negotiation.

But all of a sudden, it’s like she’s a bona fide member of civilization. Brush her teeth? Sure! That sounds like fun. Get dressed! You betcha – she even does most of it herself.

And perhaps my proudest moment in parenthood – pooping on the potty AT SCHOOL. Perhaps crapping oneself in front of peers really isn’t the way to become most popular? Could it be true? And what has my life’s work amounted to thus far if this is – truly and genuinely – my proudest moment in parenthood to date – underpants that haven’t been soiled.

It’s as if the devil’s spawn has been replaced with Helpful Hannah – and we are running a child labor camp and totally proud of it – load the dishwasher? Sure – DD1 will do it. Help make the coffee – she can’t come around fast enough. Need something to go in the trash? Hand it to DD1. Have a poopie diaper from baby that needs to be tossed – call on Helpful Hannah.

Suddenly, I”m thinking – I can really get on board with this age. Or am I so beat down and tired from the horror scene of the 2s and the beginning of the 3s that I think the tiniest thing warrants her to be declared the next Emily Post?

Who knows. Now, don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t expect it to last. But it has been so long since we could do anything peacefully in the house that it is just so nice and shocking. Maybe all the hard work and the discipline and the time outs and the crying in secret on my end – has actually started to work?
Who the hell knows. But even just one day of peace and cooperation is like winning the parenthood lottery in my book.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Back Home I Go April 1, 2009

So kittens, I know I’ve been MIA lately – so here’s the news: I quit my job last week. Friday is my last day. I am really excited about the decision.

As I had indicated before, I loved every minute of maternity leave and this time, I am lucky enough that we have a choice for me to not work. We didn’t previously have that option but now we do – and it just seemed so clear to me that now is the time to seize it.

I did worry and fret some over maternity leave as I considered this as an option – why have I been working, what about my career, etc etc – but I just don’t have any of those concerns anymore. Also – frankly – for all you “pundits” out there – I don’t feel like I am “off-ramping” or somehow letting down future generations of women by stepping out – I don’t feel like I am stepping out.

I feel like I am making a decision that is best for my girls because I have the choice right now – but like a good friend recently pointed out, careers are long windy roads with many stops and starts along the way. Who knows how long I will stay home for – time will tell.

Letting go of our nanny was THE low point for me in this whole process, I hated doing it and really fretted over when to tell her. In fact, someone actually gave me a hard time about how I handled it and indicated that I did wrong by our nanny by not telling her sooner.

Because determining when to tell her was something that I really struggled with and I know I am not alone in this – I want to talk more about it and why I actually stand firm in how I handled it with our nanny.

My husband and I both decided that we needed to make a decision that is best for our kids, and it’s impossible not to worry that an employee would start taking things less seriously once they know their time is up. Also, we needed the nanny to stick around until her last day of work – and who’s to say that the nanny isn’t going to up and quit two days after you give her notice because she’s found a better, higher paying job. Call me crazy, but I am quite sure that is a common scenario. It’s a dog eat dog world out there.

So we concluded that just like corporations don’t give employees 2 and 3 month notice that they are going to be let go, we didn’t give our nanny 2 or 3 month notice that she was going to be let go. I also didn’t know that far in advance. When my current boss let me know that this coming Friday could be my last day, I then told my nanny the next morning when I saw her in person. She got one week’s notice and is getting two weeks severance and I am doing everything I can to help her line up work.

As for what happens next, who knows. Having worked in this town for 13 years, it will be strange to wake up on Monday morning and know that I won’t be getting a paycheck but it also seems very liberating. My current employer wants me to freelance and several others have indicated as much as well – so I have a hunch that I’ll keep my fingers in the pot and just have to figure out how to manage it – just like everyone else.

So stay tuned for KT’s musings on mommy-land. Frankly none of it seems real just yet.