Kitty Time

Motherhood, babies, life, celebrities, politics…kitty’s claws come out when she’s in the mood.

Over the river, through the woods…..to Elmo we go…. December 17, 2007

Filed under: Husbands,Motherhood — Wired_Momma @ 3:35 pm

Ahh..the holidays! That glorious time when all the streets are a-glow, children are all behaving as good as they can in the hopes that Santa will bring them lots of treats, and our kitchens smell like cookies and egg nog.

Right?

Indeed….maybe on TV…or maybe in your house….but mine…..only sometimes. It is with good intent that we all make holiday plans but sometimes, sometimes, the best laid plans….right?

Case in point. On Saturday we had tickets to take darling daughter to see Elmo – Sesame Street Live. We took her last year and she loved every minute of it, so we decided to take her again this year because we knew she would just love it.

I forgot to print directions out to get to the show before I left work on Friday so I emailed my darling husband and requested he print them out before leaving the office.

Friday evening I asked him if he printed the directions (and called to order the ham for his family Christmas dinner we were having Saturday night…he offered to order the ham…and I reminded him several times throughout the week to place the call). He didn’t print the directions or order the ham. I was incredibly annoyed.

Saturday morning, I noticed darling husband on the computer, quickly accessing directions to the Elmo Show and jotting them down. I had this gnawing feeling that I should go check the directions myself and also write them down but that seemed so annoying and micro-managing that I refrained.

I also refrained from commenting further on the Christmas dinner ham. I figured, if we don’t have a ham for his family’s Christmas dinner, well then, we don’t have a ham. There’s only so much a gal can do in a week.

So, things seem to be moving along. We are all packed into the car, ready for the drive to the exciting Elmo show. Darling daughter is decked out in a pink and red Elmo track suit, my mother is bundled up in the back seat, darling husband and I are buckled up in the front. We are leaving in enough time to anticipate holiday traffic clogging the roads but still not miss any of the show. Life is good. We are excited!

Then I take the time to read the directions and though it’s been one full year since we were last at this location, something just seems totally wrong about the directions. I start to question them, husband starts to get annoyed. Toddler starts to fuss. My mother starts to pick at me and tell me it’s fine.

Then suddenly we are exiting off the Beltway and onto the Dulles Toll Road..and for those of you that live in Washington, we were headed to the Patriot Center at George Mason University. I was 100% sure we needed to instead be exiting the beltway onto 66 West.

At this point, I am LIVID. Husband had two things to do in the course of one week. TWO things….and were either of them done? No. And when one of them was done, it was done incorrectly and at the last minute. And it was such a simple request.

I mean, I was beyond the point of breathing out the anger, I had steam coming out my ears, my head was spinning in full circles and I was breathing fire.

My sister was able to reroute us after a quick phone call and I tried to keep my mouth shut as I seethed in anger in the front seat….until my mother continued to pick at the directions and then my husband chimed in to question the new directions and then I was pissed off at both of them and suddenly I was shouting “Screw you!” to darling husband…with my mother and child in the back seat…..and I’m pretty sure I attempted to kick him out of the car…that he was driving…..as we sat at a traffic light next to Tysons Corner Mall…..and I yelled at him for never doing anything and I do everything…..and as this screaming match was happening…..with my mother in the back seat….I found myself wondering……

Is this what the holidays is really about?

I mean……here we are….on the way to Elmo Live……and we cannot stand each other and are screaming…and my mother is, instead of just keeping her mouth shut, chiming in and making comments…and worse – siding with my husband! A woman who has been barking at her husband for 40 years……she’s not in it for sisterhood…she’s making it worse!

Is this my life?

Is this all really happening?

Is this what Big Bird and Elmo would want of us, en route to see them perform? Is this the Sesame Street Way? What would Santa say?

Because I don’t know about you but I was pretty sure I was leaving only coal in my husband’s stocking and returning all his gifts as soon as the Elmo Show was over with.

I should also note, that while all of this was occurring, I could completely see the humor in it. The endless humor in the image of a screaming family despising each other one week before Christmas en route to see some dumb Sesame Show about being good and all that crap.

I mean, it’s funny, really.

And isn’t this what inevitably happens to all of us at this time of year? Does anyone come away unscathed? Does anyone survive a full holiday season with way too many family members around and too many kids hopped up on sugar and napless, without at least one screaming fit? Isn’t this the reason for the season?

Whatever the case, we still have two weeks to go. If nothing else, it’s hilarious blogging material after the fact.

 

Birth Control Blues December 12, 2007

Filed under: Motherhood — Wired_Momma @ 3:03 pm

One of the things I didn’t anticipate after delivering my first baby was this – my ongoing battle with the best form of birth control.

Here’s the deal – now that I was suddenly living with the reality of what REALLY happens once you get pregnant and have a baby, suddenly keeping up the gates with an iron fence and preventing another baby so soon became of utmost importance to me.

Hell, even in the heat of the moment, wild dogs and waterboarding torture couldn’t convince me to open the gates and take a gamble…hell no…

But also, having endured what happens to a body with hormonal changes during and after pregnancy, I also knew that I just couldn’t stomach the idea of pumping my body with birth control pills any more. The crazy way those pills mess with my emotions, the horrible migraines I endure from putting that poison into my body. Not worth it.

So what is a gal to do?
On my journey to discover the most ideal form of birth control, I’ve met many of you along the way. In fact, I’m pretty sure I don’t know anyone who isn’t faced with this same dilemma. Our bodies go through so much, why should we have to pump more crap into them, we wonder?

Meanwhile, we’re left thinking that a good old fashioned vasectomy is the ideal option when we are done having kids…afterall, isn’t it our husband’s turns to go through a little something?

So what choices do we have until it’s time for the Big V?

Well…there’s always the pull-out method but see…one dear KT friend traveled this path before me (yes, it’s true, apparently teens aren’t the only ones attempting this method)…..but my dear friend…she ended up with another baby….so I am pretty sure that is not the path I’m going to take just yet.

Then there is the Nuva Ring. The doctor tried to convince me that this is the best alternative and it would not screw with my hormones like a birth control pill. So, I reluctantly took it home and stared at it a while. And thought about it. And wondered if I really wanted to use that? And how does it work? And would I be able to feel it?

So I kept staring at it.

Finally one day, my husband said to me “You’re never going to use that thing.”
So I tossed it.

Yet, my curiosity over whether it is a better alternative continued to haunt me…until last night…when I had a fabulous night out on the town after some work holiday Christmas parties…and after a few glasses of vino, a dear KT friend asked if she could tell me an inappropriate story?

Well..HELLO…have we ever met? I live and DIE for inappropriate stories!!! So please….tell all……

As it turns out, this dear friend is, in fact, an advocate of the Nuva Ring but cautioned that something can happen when using it. She was unwilling to disclose full and intimate details but apparently while…ahem…fornicating……her lover stopped her mid-way and said “I think I have a coc* ring”

HA HA!

Her NuvaRing had apparently been shifted out of position…so to speak.

HILARIOUS…and well…point AGAINST Nuva Ring in my book.

So then there’s always good old fashioned condoms. Yours truly was thinking this was the most innocuous option out there, though hardly ideal or as much fun. Until the day when another dear KT friend wrapped it up in one succinct sentence for me. She was also using condoms until it hit her, she said “Look, I’m not a hooker and my husband’s not a sailor, so forget condoms.”

Once again, HILARIOUS. I have hilarious friends.

So what is a gal to do?

 

Take a Guess December 10, 2007

Filed under: Motherhood — Wired_Momma @ 2:49 pm

Kittens –

I apologize for being MIA last week. Once again, work has really taken a turn for extremely busy and it’s hampering my efforts to give you a KT fix, along with draining my creative juices. But fret not – things are looking up and you will find a bounce in your step again after hearing from me today. I wanted to be sure you could start off this week with a solid piece of me and my deep thoughts.

So what do I have for you today, kittens? Gather round…I have a tale as old as time.

First, let’s review. What are one of the central themes here on KT?

Let me remind you: If you think it won’t happen to you, you’re wrong and you might get it worse than others just for being smug.

What are one of the most charming and predictable traits about moi?

Why, the ability to scoff at my own advice, and fall trap for the very thing I openly and freely  mock others for doing: believing that something won’t happen to moi!

C’est vrai. Seems I’ve been known to fall victim to that a few times…but at least I’m not too proud to admit it.
So gather round.

As the first signs of toddler-hood began appearing in my household, I took stock of how my daughter’s temperament was changing, I took stock of how my time with her was changing and how much more challenging things were becoming.

But I was also quick to note that other toddlers of similar ages were profusely using the infamous word…the one word most common associated with toddlers…that very word that doctors assure you is a normal sign of their development…..

NO

That word.

Ahh…that word. My daughter, she hardly ever said it while other children around us had it falling out of their mouth with the same pace that drool fell (and continues to fall) from my darling daughter’s mouth. (And for those of you keeping track, yes, my two year old still drools like a 9 month old without any teeth and people continue to comment in amazement and curiosity at her abilities…particularly those not used to her yet at preschool. I’m pretty sure she might still be drooling at Prom).

So back to “no.” Even friends with children months younger than mine would comment and vent about the frequency of the use of this word.

Off I’d go after play dates and park trips, and pat myself on my back.

“What a well-mannered and amazing toddler we have,” yours truly would think to herself.

“It must be because she is thriving in a healthy home with no negative language flying around her precious and sponge-like mind,” I would think as I smugly reflected back on those other bratty snot-nosed twerps tossing around “No’s” with the frequency of a greasy-faced teen swirling back coke and candy.

Once again, further proof that I had birthed a superior being!

Is anyone else throwing up a little bit in their mouths right now?

Is anyone else, particularly those of you with older children than mine, laughing uproariously at their desks? Amazed at my naivete two years into this parenthood thing? Even when I have my own blog with rules, one of them being, to recognize that it will ALL HAPPEN TO YOU AS IT DOES THE REST OF US?

Indeed.

Well, fast forward from then to now. My two year old eventually did discover the word “No.” Perhaps she was a late bloomer but she has more than made up for lost time.

The frequency with which she says “No” might be difficult for you to believe, if you don’t have a talking toddler in your own house. It is still difficult for my husband and I to believe.

So, we made it a game.

“How many times do you think she says “no” in a day?” my husband asked me last week.

This after she rapid-fired about 15 “No’s” in a row, for no apparent reason.

“I have no idea,” I replied..as a light-bulb went on over my head….”But let’s keep count this weekend and place bets.”

And so we did.

Beginning when darling daughter arose on Saturday morning until bed time last night, we took stock of how many times she said “no.”

The reasons are too ridiculous, if there is even a reason most of the time, WHY she was saying “No,” but that isn’t the point.

Just how many times do you think one 2-year old is capable of saying the word “No” from Saturday-Sunday night?

Anyone dare take a guess?

Anyone?

Bueller?

If you guess 100, you clearly don’t have a talking child in your house.

If you guessed 200, your child might be talking BUT definitely isn’t in full-blown toddler mode.

If you guessed 300, or more,  you win the KT prize of being a full-blown toddler expert!

You got it, somewhere around 300, we started to lose count, or lose the ability to count any higher, or lose the desire to know that it could continue to be said that many more times.

300 times……..in about 12 hours of awake time (I just calculated how much she was awake between naps, etc)……which means she averages about 2.4 “No’s” per MINUTE she is awake.

Ha ha.

Joke’s on me for ever being smug.