I have a mortal enemy in my neighborhood. They say you get more emotional in the 9th month of your pregnancy – are they also including anger and hatred or just tears? Because I actually want to inflict violence upon my enemy. I’m not above water-boarding for this enemy. I might have even asked my husband if it was time to get a gun or at least start throwing rocks.
What has happened to me?
I will tell you – a SQUIRREL.
Though DD affectionately thinks they are chipmunks.
Though you might not think she’s so sweet when you hear her shouting at the door “Get away chipmunk, I’m going to get you! No one likes you. Mommy! Mommy! The chipmunk is back!”
My sister pointed out that I am teaching my three-year old to hate God’s creatures.
But this one squirrel is my mortal enemy. I could pick him out of a line-up. In fact, I want the satisfaction of doing just that.
Justice will be mine before this fall ends. I promise you this. I am a preggo on a mission.
It started when he would dig out my flowers from my flower box in my front window. He is brazen. He has no regard for exterior fall decor. What could he possibly have wanted in my flower box? To dig his nuts?
Yeah well, find somewhere else for that buck-o. I’ll dig your nuts right out.
Over a working lunch one day, I was lamenting my face-off with this squirrel and how he was killing my beautiful fall mum display and, well, I wanted to kill him. Someone suggested I, instead, sprinkle hot pepper flakes in the dirt – the squirrels don’t like this and it’s a non-violent solution to a problem.
So I did it. But it didn’t really work and my mums were already dead. I failed at teaching my DD the non-violence approach in life.
But then, squirrel bastard kicked it up a few notches. Those of you who know and love my DD know that there is no bigger holiday in the calendar year than Halloween for her – and this is a gal who not only blends in with pumpkins in a patch but LOVES pumpkins.
So off we went to two different patches and she selected the most perfect pumpkin (or maybe I did.)
This pumpkin should have graced the cover of a Martha Stewart magazine. He was so perfectly round and had this tall dramatic stem that really made him distinguished. I searched long and hard for him and it was like the skies parted when I spotted him.
He was a distinguished pumpkin. My kid loves pumpkins so she was going to get the most perfect pumpkin on the eastern seaboard.
R.I.P. Distinguished Pumpkin because what did I come home too on Thursday evening?
An otherwise lovely fall evening in the DC burbs?
MY ENEMY was on my front step, staring me down, EATING MY DISTINGUISHED PUMPKIN.
Oh no kittens, not just a few teeth marks here and there – but he gnawed almost a full circle beneath the perfect stem and then ATE A HOLE through the middle of the perfectly round belly of my pumpkin.
He DESTROYED my pumpkin.
And was staring at me, on my front steps, as if to say “is that all you got lady? you couldn’t have done better?”
I was livid. First it was my mum flower box display but now this.
Why does he hate on Fall so much, this enemy of mine? And why can’t he go bother someone else’s flower boxes and pumpkins?
I immediately began looking around the lawn for the biggest rock I could find, wanting to hurl it at this enemy at mach 10 speed, with no regard for how my behavior might influence my DD. This squirrel had raised the stakes.
Unfortunately, we don’t have a zen rock garden in my front yard, so there was really no rocks to be found, so I did the next best thing, I covered the pumpkin in hot pepper and hot red pepper flakes. Like a mad woman, I dashed into the house, grabbed the spices and just started dumping them all over the pumpkin.
I was going to get him.
I was going to ruin that pumpkin before he thought he could enjoy any more of his early Thanksgiving feast. Maybe last Thursday was Canadian Thanksgiving. It probably was because the stupid squirrels actually originated in Canada. Seriously, those Canucks are ruining everything.
I left the storm door shut and tried to peacefully feed DD dinner but I was OBSESSED with trolling for this squirrel and witnessing him suffering from the misery of a mouth full of pepper. I wanted to see him roiling in pain, curled up, gasping for breath.
Not only did I NOT get that satisfaction but the damn thing LIKED the pepper and had eaten more of my pumpkin by the time I walked back to the door.
Has this squirrel been sent by the McCain campaign, in retaliation of my newly acquired Obama yard signs, I began to wonder?
Was negative squirrel attacks the new way to incite anger in the liberal Maryland suburbs of DC? Was I meant to start believing in the NRA?
Because I was getting close.
And teaching my kid how to shout like a regular old sailor, while I was at it.
So then I was left with no options, I had to bring the remaining two pumpkins inside and also bring in the eaten up beautiful pumpkin. I could not risk losing more pumpkins to my lurking enemy, nor could I dare leave the half-eaten pumpkin out front for the mice and squirrels to party all night long on, at my expense.
I ordered DH to immediately disregard said pumpkin in the trash – and while he followed these instructions, he failed to sweep the remaining few pumpkin seeds off my front steps.
So what awaited us on Friday morning when we opened the door?
The pumpkin seeds were all gone and there were SHIT PELLETS all over our front steps.
Did the squirrel crap on my steps in retaliation?
Is he always going to have a leg-up on me?
Can I really be living this?
I will admitt to some minor satisfaction when I noticed he ate through my neighbor’s three pumpkins because we had taken away the fall harvest from our front steps.
But what has this world come too when squirrels are ruining the lovely site of pumpkins on the front steps of every home in a suburb just days before Halloween?
I am an angry preggo and my work is not done with this squirrel. Oh no. I will not rest until I win.