It’s called life.
You got it spring kittens. Today we are going to talk about life. And even better, my life. We love to talk about moi here at KT. So let’s get started.
Young, doe-eyed KT used to live life according to a plan. Sure, sometimes it was a shell of a plan but most of the time it was a pretty detailed plan. I was that annoying upperclassmen with a job in my future “field” by my junior year of college (don’t worry, I spent all of high school and the first half of college, drinking too much and staying out too late, I’m not that much of a dork).
In my senior year, I was busy in the student center every evening on my word processor (that’s right…email was just starting…I basically had a typewriter.) banging out resumes that I MAILED (you got it, post office style, not emailed) to prospective employers in the hopes of landing a job interview.
I graduated (ahem…with honors). I got a job, I moved to the city, I got rid of one awful boyfriend and moved onto my future husband, got engaged, got into graduate school, got married, and my career kept blossoming.
Everything was going according to plan. I was going to keep making more money, keep advancing in my career, keep traveling, keep working hard, hell, someday, I hoped to run an entire corporate communications department. It was great. Really.
And then I had a baby.
And see, I was still pretty slow on the uptake.
I somehow made it through maternity leave in some kind of hazy, dream like fog, never really sure if this was really my life. Lots of days I found myself wondering when the real parents of this kid were going to come home because I was really ready for a nap.
I even laughed out loud when I said things like “I have a doctor’s appointment for my daughter at 11am.” – I mean – me? Daughter? Seriously? Think of Beavis and Butthead laughing, that was me laughing to myself upon hearing the words “my daughter” coming out of my mouth.
So what’s my point in all of this?
My point is this – there is no way to believe just how much a baby changes everything until you have one. A dear pregnant friend of mine commented earlier this week that her career must basically stay on the same upward track, despite the baby, and she’s really quite sure she can manage all the hours and the travel, that she can be that supermom.
Shockingly enough, I actually bit my tongue because what I found myself thinking was this:
I feel like supermom when I make it out the door in a presentable outfit and actually just get to work.
And even more so – I am now that person that doesn’t want any more responsibility at work. I don’t want a promotion, I don’t want to travel, and I sure as hell don’t want to run an entire department every day. I just want to get done what I need to get done, take some pride in a good day’s work, and go home to the responsibility that matters most to me now.
So her “supermom” comment really struck me. Mainly because through my maternity leave, I still failed to recognize just how difficult it was going to be to leave my baby and go to work. I still failed to realize just how much I’d changed. And that I was ok with it. I was aware that change was occurring and that my feelings were different but it was so dramatic and so unexpected. I didn’t see it coming at all. I really didn’t.
It still amazes me, 17 months later. I built up expectations for myself and my plan for so many years, and I was so sure of it. I was so sure of myself and my ambition and my career goals – only to have it all change.
I really think this is one of the most remarkable things about becoming a parent. The self-transformation. I’m not saying that every mother has this same change, or that it makes you a better or worse mom, I’m just saying that we all change.
The way we handle it, accept it, and digest it is different. But it happens, one way or the other. Because along the way – you go from loving your husband but still having many selfish desires and feelings, to loving your child more than anything in the world.
I mean hell. When I hear a love song on the radio, I think of my baby now! Not my husband.
I’m that much of a dork.
Anyway, one KT friend said that she thinks my entries are streams of consciousness. I’m well aware that today’s is very much a stream of consciousness.
I have been thinking about my friend’s “Supermom” comment all week. I have two other dear friends who are due to have their babies within a month. Babies babies everywhere. And I must admit, watching your friends become Moms is amazing. I can’t wait to see it happen. I can’t wait to see how they change, I can’t wait to meet their babies.
And I will be the first to say – being a supermom just means loving your baby as best you can. Anything more than that, if you can find the time, is just like adding a few sprinkles to your ice cream.